I was babysitting for a friend the other night, (yes, the MI5 one), when I noticed in her kitchen a toy cooker. This brought back memories of conversations about our little ones noisily entertaining themselves alongside us as we attempted to prepare dinner. And by prepare dinner I mean opening a pack of frozen peas whilst trying to remember what time the frozen thing went into the oven. For one mad, insane moment, I thought to myself, ah, I kind of miss that. What?! What was I thinking? What kind of rose tinted madness was this? Having pulled myself together, I was able to look back with clarity at what I was bizarrely recalling as an almost magical parenting moment.

Parenting survival guides will quite often advise that within a kitchen there should be one drawer or cupboard which is safe for your youngster to explore. The theory being that whilst you prepare a sumptuous and nutritious repast, they will be able to satisfy their curiosity and entertain themselves happily and safely. Marvellous! What a great idea! Having gone to great lengths to establish such a safe, but fascinating collection of harmless kitchen objects, it soon became clear that this theory was flawed. In fact, I began to wonder if the person who had come up with such a thing had ever attempted to put it into practice. Maybe they had an enormous kitchen like the ones in all the Magnet ads. I however, do not. It is surprising how a small child can quickly and with remarkable dexterity, open and empty a kitchen cupboard. Equally surprising is how the aforementioned harmless kitchen objects suddenly become anything but, turning your kitchen into something resembling a mine field. If you’re having one of those rare, but wonderful ‘I am a parenting God’ kind of days, you may be able to navigate your way through the debris from cooker to sink unscathed. The smug smile of satisfaction may become a little strained however once the banging and crashing starts. Saucepans dropped onto a tiled floor are difficult to ignore. And why is it that a baby who is startled ad occasionally reduced to tears by a bursting balloon or noisy motorbike actually laughs at the sound of pan lids crashing? Repeatedly. There is only so long you can grin and bear it. Your child may be happy, but you have now been staring at the cooking instructions on the side of the box or a full two minutes and you still don’t know what to do with it. I’ve been the bad guy, I’ll admit it. I have taken the joy giving saucepan from a smiling baby. They look away, you swoop in, remove the offensive item and replace it with something equally fascinating, yet infinitely quieter. I would however advise against the wire cooling rack. It’s amazing how easily chubby little fingers become stuck in the gaps. Should this happen, not only have you added to the kitchen floor mess, but your baby is now crying. You can guarantee that the peas you have been waiting forever to boil will boil over the instant you move over to free your little ones swollen fingers.